Why'd you suddenly pop up? I don't get it. I thought life was getting better (and it certainly was), until you showed up outside my door, crying, and you just kept telling me you were sorry. I'd no clue for what you were sorry about, but I just extended my arms to give you a warm embrace. No words were said, and it was just the two of us standing in the middle of nowhere, embracing each other. I didn't know how to react, but I promised you that everything would be alright, and you'd be safe and sound with me.
Just like that, things suddenly went back to what it was before. We cuddled, watched television (Running Man on my laptop but projected on the TV screen, to be exact), and we ate instant noodles. It just felt so wonderful to have you back right here by my side. I stood up and left the living room to get ourselves water, but when I returned you weren't there anymore.
And then I woke up.
Funnily, this isn't the first time I had such a dream. In fact, I've been dreaming about similar things for the past few days already, though not consecutively. It just had to involve her, one way or another. My thoughts have once again been clogged up by her for the majority of my life as a result as well. I mean, I was just eating japanese hotpot when I found shitake mushroom in my bowl of soup, and the very first thought that came to my mind? "She hates mushrooms." I don't even know how, or why, that thought just popped up, and technically that pretty much still works for everything I do or see. Went to NLB to study yesterday, and I usually go to the reference library to study (it's from the 7-11th floors), but the lift stopped at the 5th floor (where the study lounge is, I used to study with her there occasionally) and I almost walked out. Everything just subconsciously reminds me of her in some way.
And I'm so sick and tired of it. Wasn't I already supposed to have moved on? Why am I still thinking of all these? I don't need to be reminded that I'm the one who's needy, the one who can't learn to let go, the loser who's still pathetically trying to pick up the pieces while she continues to soar. The logic was so simple: She broke free because she knew she could afford to carry on living without me; and I stupidly let her go without realising that I haven't even tried adapting to life without her.
"I don't know what the hell you are doing up in my brain, or why the heck you are there, but I beg you to stop it and disappear. Get out of my brain and my life. These mind games are just slowly but steadily driving me into insanity and I can't even sleep now thanks to you. Why'd you think I'm posting at this late hour instead of sleeping?"
Please, let some freak accident happen to my head so that I'll get knocked out and have selective memory when I return to consciousness, so I can totally get rid of this shit in my head. It's driving me insane and I can't control myself at all, I really really can't take this anymore. Can the end of school come any faster?
At this rate, it seems more likely that the end of me will come before the end of school.
No comments:
Post a Comment