38: Disappointment, Again

Once again, another bad day.

I don't think I played well today at all. My hands froze up in the examination room so I wasn't able to play properly, and I made mistakes at parts where I really shouldn't be making, plus I didn't manage to play that one specific part of the song where I keep screwing up (even though I thought I'd already managed to clear that after yesterday's massive improvement). The sound didn't sound right to me either, though I suspect it's just the acoustics of the room that made it such, but the fact that I'm unable to hear how I actually sound like made me very cautious and nervous. All in all, today was one of the worst performances I had, and I screwed up when it mattered most. Funny how it isn't occasionally that I find that last part of the sentence so applicable.

On the other hand, I think the rest of the parts of the exam (scales, sightreading and aural tests) were fine, just that I don't know whether I did well for the aural test because I really don't know what the correct answer is ._. And apparently my accompaniment teacher said that I actually played better than usual even though I think that's totally not true and she might just be saying that to comfort me? We'll just have to see what the results have to say. Honestly, looking at the pieces only, I thought that I'd might even not get merit at all, let alone score a distinction. I don't know if I want to see the results...

But at least that's one more thing struck out from the to-do list for this year, and the only thing left for me to do is to try to do well for promos? And after that I'll probably just try to forget everything and move on to 2015, since there's pretty much nothing to look forward to anyway.

(oh but my family's going to Korea for a week from 7th December so I guess there's that whee)


Am I expecting too much from myself? I don't know. Got back my GP results and the first comment from Mr Chua was: "I'm still waiting for you to get out to the B range!" Honestly, he's right. I've been stuck at getting high Cs throughout the year, and yet I haven't made any significant breakthough. Math isn't any better, since I just slightly passed even though I know that I'm obviously able to do better (I somehow know all the methods to solve the problems but I can't actually do it myself). Chem and Physics were okay and I pray that I'll be at least one of the top few in class, if not the top. But again, I've made mistakes that I shouldn't have, and I'll really kill myself if I don't get at least a B for both tests.

Then again, maybe I should just return to being my old self and not giving any two shits about anything, since I won't get to be disappointed without any expectations in the first place. Why put up a fight when you know you're about to get beaten anyway...

I really should have done better.