As I progress into my second month of singlehood (whoops), I've decided to do a bit of self-reflection of what I've been through so far. To be honest, I'm still not really used to life like this, but I realised that I have been ignorant of what's happening outside my relationship. Whether it's about doing fun stuff together or comforting heart-to-heart talks, I've learnt many new things about my friends, past and present.
What is friendship? To me, (good) friends are people who you can share your everyday experiences with, whether good or bad, and they are people that you are comfortable with, those that are not just able to accept you for who you are, but also try their very best to help you become a better person in one way or another. That, however, is something that I, and I'm sure many others, are finding increasingly difficult to find. Sure, I do have fun with my friends (a whole lot, really), but I've realised that beneath this surface I really don't know much about my friends at all.
(My thought process is getting abit incoherent at this stage of the night, I should be sleeping right now but I am determined to finish this post and get this out, so bear with the potentially shitty quality post if you can.)
Everybody definitely has had some sort of troubles at some point in their lives, and I totally understand that. But there are some people (I guess me included) who seem really affected by them and just lose their focus somehow, and I just get super upset at the thought of that. I don't know why, but I just always feel this tendency to help out with other's personal problems (perhaps I'm just too kpo for my own good) and I feel helpless when I know that there's nothing that I can do to make them feel better in any way, and I can only wish that they'll get back to their normal selves as soon as possible. It just hurts when you know that something isn't right with someone, yet you see them struggling to make things look fine, but you know it very well yourself that it totally isn't the case. Maybe I'm overthinking this and I make scenarios seem worse than they actually are, that I'm just going to make things worse if I actually try to "solve the problem" when there isn't any in the very first place. I'm weird.
(As I continue to type, I find it increasingly ironic that some of these things that I type here apply to me as well...)
It's hard to comprehend the life of teenagers sometimes. We may all have different types of personalities and behaviours, but we definitely seek for the same common thing: to be accepted and be liked by others around us. Why is it then, that we can have so many conflicts and misunderstandings? Why do we complain that things are never good enough at times, and choose to shun the things/people that actually matter, and why can't we just open up and just be truthful/sincere? I've seen quite a lot of misunderstandings happen just because of misinterpretations of intention, and most of the time both sides feel misjudged/guilty of the tension and conflict arising because of it. Why can't both sides just speak the truth, apologise and make up? Are we really too different to get along? Most people miss their childhood because life was simple and innocent back then. The concept of forgiving and forgetting was so easy to grasp and execute; why can't we still do so now? If only we were more aware and sensitive, and more capable of putting aside our judgement and pride to focus on the friendships that matter more, will we still have so many people complaining all over the world that they're alone because they don't have friends, and that nobody understands them?
Someone help me understand; it just seems that my naive, immature self still wishes for an idealistic world where everything is all roses and flowers, but then as I continue to observe and exist in this community, I find myself getting lost further and further: what should I believe in? Am I really not prepared to move on to this colder and harsher stage of life, to remain stuck in my own world of innocence? I really don't know.
It's late now, and my post about friendship has somehow turned into more of a tussle between the many sides of myself. Confusion is all there is as I try to set myself in a specific direction to walk towards, and I continue to get increasingly worried: for my friends who are in huge struggle, and for myself who hasn't been able to see sense for myself despite trying to make sense out of other's actions for others.
Perhaps it's really time for me to go to bed. But I'm in a flurry of emotions, and I'm too tired to sort myself out. Maybe I'll just let myself(my imagination and my inner selves) go wild for tonight and pray hard that I wake up just fine tomorrow. Good night.
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