I'd like to think of my inner self as extremely bipolar, there're always loads of different "me"s (I guess that allows me to look at many different perspectives hahaha) shouting at my heart whenever I have major dilemmas and issues/whenever I'm upset and sometimes I really have trouble controlling myself/my emotions because there's just so much I can take.
Take this week for example. It's been a week since I've broken up with my ex-girlfriend but I'm still really conflicted as to how I should deal with this entire situation. She proposes that we continue to remain as (good) friends, and I really don't know whether I should take up her offer. As much as I've said that we'll remain as good friends, my inner self is also torturing me with my doubts and insecurities.
A side of me wants to continue this friendship as I really do think that I treasure her enough to be willing to put down all that's happened, but then I have these voices telling me stuff like:
"But she treated you like you were nothing!"
"Are you sure you two can just be friends after all that's happened?"
"Be the bigger man, and let it slide if it'll make it happier for her."
"She gave up on the relationship so easily as she pleases, what makes you think that she deserves your friendship back so easily?"
"She did whatever she did because she treasures you and she doesn't want to hurt you! 短痛不如长痛!"
"Jun An, don't be stupid, you're being taken advantage way too often because you're too nice!"
"You can't be so selfish as to force her to remain with you as a couple if she doesn't want to be in it!"
As you can probably see, it's really hard for me to make a decision. At times I have been so messed up by these voices in me that I flare out and take it out on others, particularly her, even though she does try to be as friendly as possible (though I wished she could be way more sensitive to me like not reminding me that I'm single and stuff) but I just take the opportunity to lash out and vent all my frustrations on her. I'm sorry if I was so mean to you, but I hope you'll understand that I'm really hurt now and that I really don't mean what I say.
I hope I'll be able to deal with this inner me and find my happier days soon. I actually still have alot to talk about regarding my insecurities but as of the moment I'm too lazy/unmotivated/not in the mood to continue, maybe I'll edit/update this another time!
Quote of the Day:
"Cause a kind heart is useless, it’s a flaw in this world,
so I guess I want to become worse and worse.
Like the saying, lovers resemble each other; I guess this is my way to become like you."
Tablo ft. Jinsil - Bad
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