Recovery | I'm Not Going.

We now return to regular programming.

So I guess the most important thing I have to blog about today is as the title up there states: I've made up my mind to not go for prom. I don't really need to explain myself since it's my decision, but I should be answerable to those who'd liked me to go, so here goes:

I've been pondering over the question of whether to go or not for the past two weeks, and I have concluded over this period that going to prom will be less enjoyable than if I didn't go. If you all know what's going on (which I clearly believe most or all of you who are reading this do), then the main reason for me not going is that I'm simply not ready to face something that I've still (after these few months) haven't fully gotten to terms with, and by going to prom I will definitely end up coming out more disappointed than content.

I can't deny that I've already envisioned what I wanted prom to turn out when I first bought the ticket; neither can I deny that doing that isn't one of the best decisions as I've definitely ruined my own experience by upholding expectations; nor can I deny that not attending a certain event that may happen just once in my lifetime just because I've had a misperception of it without actually attending the actual event is going to be the smartest decision I'm going to take. However, the circumstances that I face is more than just whatever I've stated above.

I don't intend to bash prom or the people involved in it, so if any one of you do I apologise in advance. But in my opinion at the very least, I feel that prom (actually, make that any other activity as well) can only be made memorable with the people who are involved in it. I don't exactly fancy spending 90 bucks to sit at a table and have dinner that doesn't taste like it's worth 90 bucks, nor am I exactly interested to watch the show/stage events that the juniors have planned (sorry juniors), I want to go to prom to have a memorable time with my friends that matter. Unfortunately, given the timespan of only a mere 3-4 hours with even less time to take photos, plus the restriction of seating, it is certainly not possible to make quality time with a lot of people. Most of you will either be at your own tables, or there will certainly be a scramble to take photos and stuff just like graduation day. Others will have other classes and groups of friends to spend their time with as well, and basically the whole point really is that I won't be able to find enough people to make my night as enjoyable as I hope it'll be, because it would be awkward and difficult to interact with the people at my own table, which is ironic because they should be the closest group of friends that I have. I'm the only guy at my table, which means that all of my friends who are guys are spread all over the place, and it's just plain weird to go to another table and make small talk. To me, the whole concept of spending so much money just to dress up and sit at a table or go around taking pictures just doesn't cut out for me. As much as pictures serve as a reminder or a token of remembrance, what use would it do for the actual event itself? I don't find it memorable if I don't get to spend my time well, and unfortunately it's not going to happen simply because the first person that everybody wants to spend their time with in prom is definitely not going to be me. Sounds sad that I'm actually making a mockery of myself by saying so, but it is the truth: I don't think I'm THAT close to anyone who I've made friends over these past 2 years.

Anyway, it's also a bit too late for me to reverse my decision (I'm not going to do so anyway), since my suit (or actually just my concert attire) is actually still inside the SE room which is in school, and I don't actually have the keys to the room, so that's that I guess.

More importantly for myself, at least, is that I am giving myself a chance to recover and pick myself up from where I've fell. I really don't wish to be a spoilsport, but in order to move on I have to first forget, and I definitely won't forget if I do decide to go tomorrow. Recovery is essential because I can clearly feel the effects of my current state (I won't call it depression like I called it the last time, but there is still no sense of motivation to do anything really meaningful), and simply put I need to rediscover something that will make me willing to fight for. I don't look forward to much, not even the one week holiday to Japan and Taiwan that's coming in a week, so that's pretty bad. I've always been one who's more cheerful and excited, so to know and feel like a person that's somewhat dead inside is something I really don't want to continue remaining in.

Thankfully, for the past week and the upcoming weeks to come, I'm helping my cousin with his work, so that should occupy some of my time. I plan to learn driving as well, and I hope that I'll be able to drive before I enlist into the army. At the same time, I hope I will get to meet my friends for an outing (I haven't had the time to plan the KTV outing I said I would plan), especially the guys who will be enlisting into the army come early January. Other things I need to get to would be to exercise (but that can wait till when I return from my holiday), and maybe pick up one or two skills. If I do manage to recover I hope I'll be able to rediscover my hobby for cooking, and maybe I'll hopefully regain some confidence in myself as well as a person.

I'll make another post about work sometime soon, so I guess I'll stop here for now. I really hope that I'll get to meet a lot you guys personally, whether if it's for a meal or for an outing, so don't forget me even though I'm not going for prom! I'll also try my best to reschedule work if need be so don't hesitate to contact me if you guys wanna meet (sounding really shameless here...)

Till the next post, then.