Aftermath.

Funny how many things can happen and change within the space of weeks, let alone months. It took just a few days for us to click well, a few weeks for us to discover something special, yet another few months for us to find all of them come to naught. In what we might or will consider to be a minute and forgettable short period relative to the rest of the lives ahead of us, have we truly managed to make a positive difference in each other's lives?

Wishes and dreams don't magically come true, hope wasn't something that I had within myself. You came and changed all that. As ridiculous as it sounded, I believed your myth, and it became something I looked forward to, something that was though unreal, yet special for the both of us. You've gotten this thing integrated into me, so well that I probably will never forget. In fact, you've done it so well that it's become the painful reminder of my investment, as I irrationally continue to grasp onto the belief that you've instilled into me, yet pulled yourself away from.

You label me as your mistake, a regret that shouldn't have happened if you were more careful. Perhaps you're right, I don't know you well enough to know what you wanted out of me, or maybe I was just being too smart for my own good. Whatever it is, nothing I say or do right now is going to make you change your mind about me anyway so I don't think this post has much purpose other than me trying to release my pent up emotions. 

What I will stand for, however, is that I have really done my best, although the outcome was totally contrary to my expectations. Like you, I've invested and committed myself as much as you have, if not more, and I've also had to be brave enough to knock down my own walls to let you in. To expose myself to vulnerability was a risk that I rationally would not allow myself to as I am pretty conservative, but yet at the same time it was also a risk I was really willing to take in order to fight for the things that made me happy. I'm pretty sure that you've had the same difficulties as I do, and maybe you'd even claim that you've had it harder due to the circumstances, and it is terribly unfortunate that we don't have the ability to work things out alone by ourselves. There was really huge potential that we could have been perfect, and I'm not sure whether you did too, but I had a really good feeling about it. It is with no doubt, that this whole thing is a pretty devastating blow to myself and I'm sure you've not had a better time either. 

For that, I truly apologise. I've messed up big time by hurting you and breaking your trust in me when your trust in me might not have been as much as I thought out to be. I probably overestimated myself and considered myself to be able to help you, when all I probably did was making you uncomfortable. Trust, once broken, is hard to regain, and that's probably the case for you towards me. I don't know when it happened, or what exactly led to it, but you've stopped trusting me and believing in me one day and I feel that's the essence to the breakdown between the both of us. My faults are plenty. However, likewise I can't say that you've been fair to me either, especially towards the last few weeks when we could still communicate with each other. You can say so otherwise, we can both agree to disagree on that.

Moving on from this... I don't really know how to, actually. It's so unfortunate that we somehow cannot see each other eye to eye in both literal and figurative ways, when we could have had so much together. Moving on requires an acknowledgement of the events of the past, and the willingness to throw all of it away. I've acknowledged the fact that it is no longer a possibility that compatibility can happen between us, but I don't think I have the capability to move forward anymore. On two occasions I've went in with the belief that I'll do good, on two occasions I've come out making both myself and the other party feel terrible. Perhaps I'm just not cut out to deal with people, what I thought I was good at, and I might just need to rethink my own purpose and contributions I can make to others. I've wanted to take psychology and get a job that can help out others in a more meaningful way, but it looks like I just don't have the ability for it. At the same time, I don't know how much I'm willing to let others in to help me, but on the other hand I doubt many will want to do so anyway. I entered DHS feeling like I've entered a big family, yet now I'm about to leave here feeling like I've gained nothing much but yet given so much of myself away. 

Hopefully, if I ever come across this post again from the future, I'd be able to say that I've outgrown my current self from this experience and be able to pick myself up to be able to make a huge difference in someone else's life. The future looks very bleak, however.