Misery.

Nothing's going right these days.

There's so much pressure coming from all sides: I feel pressured to do well in my academics, I feel pressured to bulk up so that I don't continue to be a weakling amongst the rest, I feel pressured to carry my cello section for SYF because we're not close to be on par with the normally high standards but yet we have the most melodies to play (responsibilities of a SL).

But most importantly, I feel pressured to find a place where I belong. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I'm not particularly close to anyone anymore, I spend a lot of time being lonely.

And these few weeks pretty much just allows me to further acknowledge and increase my hatred for myself. I didn't do well in academics because I couldn't bring myself to study; my section is in need of emergency practices because I didn't do my part as an SL to push them to practice more earlier; maybe I'm nowhere now because I didn't do my part to be a good friend; maybe I don't deserve to be loved because I really have no more ways to express my love for others.

Maybe I deserve all of this.

It's so hard to find motivation to do anything now these days, and I really cannot see the purpose of my existence at the moment. No motivation to study, because I feel that I can never be as good as others who can definitely excel in academics; No motivation to play my computer games because I've simply played too much these few weeks and have gotten sick of it; No motivation to try and find a way to improve myself because I doubt that anyone else will benefit out of it; No motivation to continue to socialise because I doubt myself, and my trust issues are continuing to hinder me as I go on.

At the moment, all I feel like doing is to go back to bed and stay in bed. I feel like I've seen and lived enough, and there is nothing more I can do to salvage myself. I can only pray that life be kinder to me but I know that's pretty much not going to happen unless I do something. Life, at the moment, is meaningless, is empty, and I don't know how long more I can take before the walls and the strong front that I've put up will eventually crumble. 

Maybe, just maybe, I don't deserve to belong here. I don't deserve to be living in comfortable Singapore because I ain't making much use out of my life, while others are trying so hard to get out of their own countries in search of a better life. 

Maybe I might have the slightest bit of depression, maybe I do need to seek help, or maybe I'm just finding excuses to run away from my problems and continue to just be worthless.

Either way, I don't know how to continue living anymore.

I'm just a dead man walking.