Today just reminded me why I absolutely detested myself, and only served to fill my levels of self-hatred.
It started off with GP. Had a comprehension test on music, and I was totally stumped throughout the entire paper. I'd expected that I might not do well this test, but I've never felt so helpless for a GP paper before. Every question I took at least 5 minutes to understand, and I barely rushed out the summary just before time ended, not to even mention attempting the AQ. I even decided that the paper was so hard, I actually chose to procrastinate and pass time by stoning, through an actual test. My lack of vocabulary was horrifying, and damn me if I actually do manage to get above 20 marks, because hell sure I totally understood the questions and totally knew how to paraphrase all my answers, yes?
The rest of the school day passed pretty fine.
Post-school can only be summed up with one word: Shit.
Played football with Y5s and Y6s (mainly the people from football cca), and by the time I had finished playing with them, I was a very pissed off ball of fury. Two big reasons that occured were that firstly, there was this one particular junior that decided that he should try to annoy the hell out of me throughout the whole game as much as possible, all because of a particular incident where he got angry for losing possesion (I tackled him fair and square.) Things pretty much got heated to the point where I finally lost my senses and control and decided to body slam him off his feet, and I even silently cursed and swore towards my teammates (particularly Oliver) that I will find a way to damage his legs and put him out of his athletic career. That basically literally killed the entire mood of the game. And it sucks when you know you're the one who's responsible for the mess created. No one was really in the mood to play afterwards, and Oliver and Haowei even had to come to me to apologise for that junior's behaviour, even though they did absolutely nothing wrong. I went over the top by not being the better man, and I really should be kicking myself because I know I let my anger surpass me. Plain stupidity.
Things weren't good either when I was playing both football and frisbee, that came after. Since I was placed/playing with people I am not totally familiar with and vice versa, my team obviously had differences in communication, as well as their execution of their game plans. Of course, under pressure, one would find teammates that they have way better chemistry with, and I cannot say that my performance today warrants the right for them to pass to me, but there were many occasions where I just found myself completely left out of the team because I wasn't close to my teammates enough, and neither did certain people have trust in me to play well because I kept screwing up... I just felt really helpless at times, wondering what other things I could do to make sure that I was a better team player besides my efforts to already run the life out of me to open spaces all the time, to only watch that particular teammate move the ball into a more crowded area when obviously I've already made the most space for myself to create the best opportunity to score a point. It sucks, but that is life: I didn't made the best use of my opportunities when I had them, and therefore I deserve to not be trusted, because I wasn't good enough.
To top off all of that, I even managed to offend some people with some stupid words, and I swear I have no idea why those words managed to come out of my mouth. I could push the blame to the bad day I've had, but I really shouldn't have said those words either. I really should watch myself before I do anything next time. Whatever it is, today's events really summed up as me being in a really huge mess, and I don't know, I really don't know.
(I'm so sorry this whole thing is a chunk of incoherent shit)
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