Twenty-Three: Game Over.

The past few days haven't really been pleasant for me. As much as I don't want to feel it, I still feel very lonely at times, and it's not that I don't have good company. I'm probably just not close enough to any of the people that I talk to on a regular basis/ don't wish to be an annoyance to the same few people that I've talked to because I'm just whining and complaining about the same damn thing every time.

Which is why this afternoon has been a really pleasant one for me. I was supposed to go home right after school with Daniel (because the rest of the class was busy and I really didn't feel like doing anything, on top of that I was falling sick) but then he had to go practice with his band for some upcoming gig. Fortunately, I had Jerald to go home with (I haven't hanged out with him in a really long time, like for months/even a year), and we decided to go to Katong instead to have ice kachang (also another thing I haven't had in awhile). We had lots of stuff to catch up on, but of course majority of our talk was still about what you'd expect and it was just great to be able to pour out my frustrations, as well as get advice from someone that is at least a mutual friend between me and her (he is the first person that I've really talked to who knows her decently).

That aside, I've been really thinking about what to do for the past few days, and I think that the best solution for me to recover is to forget (I've already forgiven), but I don't refer to the incident itself. Rather, I think it would be best if I forgot about this friendship completely, simply because I firstly don't wish to harbour any other false hopes, and secondly because I realise that I'm not as important/special as I thought I would have been to make myself want to continue on with the friendship nevertheless. I know you'll be reading this, so I might as well just tell you here straight: I'm sorry that our friendship's going to a waste, but I simply cannot carry on pretending that everything will be fine between us because we've both lost the one thing that kept our relationship going on for so long, and that is trust. I can no longer trust that you won't ever hurt me again (even though it was unintentional) after all that's happened, and neither do I wish to commit to something that will most likely die out by the time you leave DHS for good. We'll be moving on to our own separate ways and we'll probably never cross paths ever again unless we're meeting for some sort of gatherings, but besides that I don't see the meaning of keeping our friendship anymore. Thank you very much for the past 3-4 years of close friendship that we shared, but it's time to return to where we first started in every relationship cycle that ends in a breakup: Strangers.


And that's it. Game over. But I think I'll be free at last.

I hope that liberation will come soon.




Quote of the Day:
"想你的夜，多希望你能在我身边，不知道你心里还能否为我改变。
想你的夜，求你让我再爱你一遍，让爱再回到原点。"
"In the nights when I missed you, I wished that you would be by my side,
would you still be able to change your heart for me?
In the nights when I missed you, I beg of you to let me love you again,
to let our love return to what it was before."

 关喆 - 想你的夜

(Guan Zhe - The Nights When I Missed You)