31: What Could Be Worse?

People have been complaining/lamenting about the fact that life is meaningless. Now it's my turn to do so.

I'm so bored of my life, till the extent that while lessons were ongoing yesterday, I somehow wondered to the thoughts of the existence of afterlife, and what would happen to me after I leave this world. Yes, I find my life so meaningless. Right now it's just studies, and pretty much nothing else.

I don't even know what interests me anymore. I rarely play DOTA/League nowadays, neither do I play any more video games(besides Fun Run with my classmates). Playing the cello would be fun if I weren't preparing for my exams, and I had other people to make music with me (because playing an instrument by yourself isn't enough to create any music unless you're playing solo pieces which sucks). 

I guess football might bring me some fun and laughter, but that's a massive team game and not many people are free to play given the current state of affairs (everyone's pretty much into mugging mode now to play besides Xuliang and perhaps Tommy), plus I kind of suck at football (can't shoot with no proper technique, passes not as accurate as before, no power in my legs). 

During weekends I just stay at home because:

1) There's pretty much no one who really wants to leave the house (me included)

2) Everyone's mugging and they prefer to study alone/inconvenient to meet because of location/tuition/timing issues

3) Even if I do go out for fun there's pretty much nothing to do because nothing interests me

4) I think I should spend more time in the house after being away from it everyday because of all the night studying during weekdays

5) Pretty much not close enough to anyone where we'd find time to meet

[Basically I'm not anyone's first priority to go out with (maybe Xuliang but that's just gay?? HAHAHA)]

Sometimes I wish I could do PW again with the rest of my class. Sure, it's boring, taxing at times, and it blows your brain, but hey at least there's something to do and work for isn't it? Plus the several meetups with your groupmates that may have slight conflicts at times but overall should be fun, it at least beats sitting here doing nothing.

As a matter of fact, me spending so much of my time on this blog nowadays just pretty much proves everything that I just said. Life's pretty much nothing but a big repetition of a cycle now: 

1)Wake up and slack,

2)Study (and still slack while studying)

3)Feel the burden of expectations, then

4)Get upset over the fact that I can't meet them

5)Wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, and

6)Wonder if I actually can do something with my life in this state, then

7)Blame myself for being unable to be strong, decisive, and not being able to have any form of motivation to do something to change myself (see the irony in this post?), then

8)Attempt to find a medium to voice out my troubles, but instead choose not to talk to friends because I don't want to be a burden, I complain about the same damn thing everytime, so I end up typing here instead (you people should be starting to get tired of this blog because it's basically what this is, I'm already sick of it)

9)Feel helpless at the current state of affairs

10)Lie to myself that tomorrow will be a better day without having to do anything

11)Sleep.

And that's pretty much it. I'm still searching for a source of motivation to make me become better as a person, but I, being the type who only looks for the instant rewards (i.e shallow and blind), just can't find any. Slowly, but surely, I'm merely erasing myself from my heart, from this world. Not sure if it makes any particular difference to anyone else, though.

Just what is wrong with me?