It's been (19) days...

... and I am still not over you. This is becoming increasingly agonising to take.

(NOTICE: I've kept the remainder of this post covered because I really don't think that you guys should see this but I guess you people could do it at your own risk.)

Quote of the Day:
"妳不等了, 說好的幸福呢?
我錯了. 淚乾了; 放手了, 後悔了;
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著, 要怎麼停呢?"

"You don't wait anymore, where is the promised happiness?

I was wrong, the tears have dried up; I've let go and I've regretted it,

But the music box containing my memories continues to spin, how do I stop it?"

周杰伦 - 说好的幸福呢

Jay Chou - Where is the Promised Happiness

I hate this. I hate how I'm still reeling from your loss. Two more days and it'll be exactly 3 weeks since you left, but I just fail to wake up from my misery. I'm once again lucky to have the support and encouragement from my long time buddies, as well as my newly-made friends in Year 5, but sometimes you just have that "not alone but lonely" feeling. Doesn't help either that I usually try to be as cheerful and carefree as possible in front of them but yet ain't able to do so once I am left alone. I've talked about my destructive inner-self, and it's draining the life out of me, slowly but painfully. 

I never understood why. Why did you leave? You said it didn't have to do with me, it was you who lost your feelings for me, I wasn't the reason to motivate you to push yourself further anymore. Is it really that simple? Two weeks before you said it we went to celebrate Jing Xuan's birthday with the rest of the SE people, and before that we went on dates to the Soup Spoon and such. I thought everything seemed fine. I offered to come over to Vivocity after school song practices just because I wanted to eat lunch with you, and I really wanted to treat you to a well-deserved break seeing that you would be bored studying at home all day, but then you refused and decided that you'd be too busy to come out instead. I took your excuse to not meet up as the truth. Never did you once mention that you felt that something was going wrong with us, and you just decided to walk away from it on your own. By the time I realised the subtle hints in your actions and words it didn't even matter anymore --- you had already gone into your one week of doubt, and it was game over by then. The day before we broke up I ended up crying after you told me that you didn't want to do anything after MYEs (1-2 weeks before that you were so excited to go shopping or go to my house) and I pretty knew much that I had lost it already -- I had lost you for good. 

It's not possible. I agree that feelings do change, but surely I don't believe that strong feelings can be lost within such a short period of time, right? 2 months earlier you were gleefully wondering (or so I think you were) about what to get for my birthday present, as well as our plans to go eat at Kiseiki once the school holidays begin to celebrate me turning eighteen. You even constantly reminded me to book seats for the restaurant early so that we didn't have to queue. You were so excited back then. And it's only been 2 months for all of that to disappear. Could there have been something else, or someone else, that might have made you change the way you feel? Or was it really just me, who couldn't see the signs at all, who was so dumb to have believed that everything would be okay as long as you put your trust into this relationship that we once had? Am I really reading too much into this? I'm even starting to doubt a good friend of mine that he might not have totally find this unexpected -- She's close to him as well, and the days where she spent her time contemplating on what to do with us, she was with him. I don't even know whether I should just smack myself in the head now for even suspecting him, and I am certainly not a very good friend to make with here. If my doubts are incorrect (please let it be so), I deeply apologise and I don't deserve his forgiveness because I myself emphasise that trust needs to be placed on the other party in any type of relationship, yet I've single-handedly revoked my trust in both my friend, as well as you. I shouldn't be doubting you two. 

I really miss you, and I hate myself a lot for that. I'm the guy in this relationship, but yet I'm pathetically being the one who's unable to let go, the one that is begging desperately to have it back. It's just so hard to forget about you, especially when my activities with you constitute about 80% of what I do in my free time on weekdays. Heck, no matter where I go, or what I do, there'll always be something to remind me of things that we'd do in the past. Why do I have such a good memory when it comes to remembering events, but not for academics? Our usual hangouts are like a no-go place for me now, cause whenever I go to these places I'd be able to remember and recreate each flashback visually, and that is mental torture. To see you in almost every single shop in the mall talking about the stuff that you'd like to buy and how you'd get excited by looking at pretty things as I walk past each shop is so scary and painful that I can literally break down at any moment in the middle of the mall if anyone is able to trigger me, and that isn't very hard either. My mind just likes to screw me over upside down, just like that. Yet on the other hand, you look fine, like nothing had happened at all. I should be glad that you're not upset at all and are doing fine, but how is it possible that you don't even look the slightest bit upset or desperate to want us back together? 

I asked you about where we should stand if we ever do continue to remain as friends, and you told me that we should just be normal friends, just like how it is with you and the people in SE. Honestly, I don't even consider that as true friendship, seeing how you are always unwilling to go for CCA outings and such. It's all just a facade. (I deeply apologise to you SE people for saying such a thing, if you guys do ever come across this blog)I remember how you argued with Regine and Jiaying about something so trivial as to where to sit on the last day of the OCIP trip to Cambodia, and that didn't turn out well at all. You cried for at least 2 hours straight, from before immigration to waiting for the plane to after our takeoff, and it was horrible to watch you be like that. If such is the way you define as normal friends, then how in the world are you going to expect me to live with it?! Think of this "friendship" as a sword stabbed into my body at the moment, and the least painful way is to either leave the sword in the body, or remove the sword in one swift movement and get over it. What you're asking me to do, however, is to be in the middle and slowly drag out this sword, just like how this "normal friendship" will eventually die out anyway once you leave this school for good, cause we're probably not going to stay in contact anyway.

I beg of someone to come to my rescue. Exactly one week before this post I ended up dreaming of you, and although I can't remember what it was, but I just woke up instantly at 3am and I found myself drenched in sweat, despite the aircon being turned on and the room feeling particularly cold. Definitely a nightmare cause I immediately teared up afterwards, and I rarely feel cold. I can usually keep myself warm, but when your heart breaks it's like the cold air just flows into the broken area and freezes your entire body and soul from inside, and it's such a terrible feeling to have. No matter how hard I tried to curl myself up, or cover myself with the blanket, I just felt really, really cold. I needed a hug, and it's certainly not from my bolster. I needed you, but I know that I'll never be able to receive your warmth anymore. And that killed me even further.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold on/tolerate it, but I already feel myself crumbling. Please let this be the last time I ever write about this ever again. Please.