Self-Destruction / Sorry.

I'm pretty sure me having to make a post on this means terrible news...

Today I had a talk with someone and I realised that people have been noticing that I've been appearing as cold, emotionless or simply pure upset in school. I have, indeed, been in a terrible mood and I do know that I have been going into isolation pretty often, as well as being cold this past week to most of the people in school, and I would like to apologise if it's affected anyone in one way or another. I know it's really abnormal for me to be like this (and for a very long period at that too, my emotional moods don't last more than 2 days top), and this is a very abnormal experience for me as well.

As I struggle to deal with my emotions, I find myself becoming more and more dislikable due to the way I react and treat some of you (or maybe this could just be me re-expressing my dislike for myself like I've been doing in the past, I don't know), and I really know that this isn't what anyone would want to see of me. The bothersome part about it, however, is that I don't feel this urgent need to fix it and to me, that's really something terrifying because I really don't wish to be this asshole who dampens the mood for others due to my selfish want for attention. But I don't know why I am feeling so indifferent about everything and I'm just so scared about everything. 

It terrifies me that I am feeling so nonchalant about myself changing negatively. In fact, it isn't just solely this that I feel nonchalant about. Pretty much everything isn't of interest to me, and things that I usually find humorous just don't excite me. For people that are closer to me and know my liking for a lame sense of humor, it really bothered me when I couldn't find myself being interested or amused by Mr Lim's jokes about himself eating stuff or any of his self-depreciating humor, or when banter was thrown all about the class during GP lessons when I usually smile or laugh at them. 

My MYE results weren't great, in fact they were more than disappointing, with me only passing the H1 subjects when I expected myself to at least pass every single subject. Problem is, I somehow don't feel the urgent need to fix myself and get down to work unlike what the rest of the school is doing right now. It just feels like I've been completely demoralised to the extent where I cannot find a rational purpose for me to get better in academics, and with so little time left, I know I should be throwing all of my problems aside and getting down to focus on A levels like what the rest of you are doing (I presume). It's the only rational method of shelving aside the negativity that I have within me.

Instead, I find myself taking the irrational method of continuing to dwell on my problems, and also choosing sleeping as a form of escape from reality. I've found myself sleeping and taking naps the moment I get back home, or technically anytime I'm left alone all by myself, and I know that it's really unhealthy for me because not only does it screw up my body clock (like it has last night, I couldn't sleep from 12:00-2:30am), and not only does it let my problems go unresolved, but by being up alone at night makes me have all of these negative thoughts and they just haunt me to no end. If there's a time to be not alone in your room at night, it's when you're under emotional distress. When I finally released my pent up emotions, I thought that I would naturally, feel better. Yet, I found myself being even more frustrated because I ended up feeling worse than I've ever felt prior to letting my feelings out, which also explains my particularly bad mood in school today.

I really don't like how this is panning out and how I'm responding in this period of trouble, and I know that with a bit more self-will and determination I will eventually find a way to get better from all of this. At the moment, I've yet to find a coping mechanism that will let me pull through but I guess writing this out to you all is a small step that I can take. 

To whoever's reading this, I hope you will give me the benefit of doubt and be a bit more understanding if I come across as some kind of indifferent jerk in school and stuff. Maybe some of you may not even share the same sentiments as those above, but I would just like to apologise in advance for what I consider to be really bad behaviour on my part throughout this rough period I'm experiencing. 

Thank you all for being understanding, and I will try my best to move on from this dark period and hopefully, find my positive self once again. I hope it won't take too long before I become my happier self, and see you all real soon.